found this in an old email-school paper from 2009

What I Want/ What I Deserve/What I Expect
When I was 18

         When I was 18, I wasn’t sure what it took to make a successful marriage. Too be honest, I never really thought about it, I was 18!! What did I care?  I just wanted to date around and have fun.  My only thoughts on that topic were; he needs to be tall, dark, handsome, athletic, and a great kisser.  In the summer of 2004, I was on a road trip with my dad.  We were somewhere in New Mexico, between the middle of know where and what felt like the end of the world.  I was board, and with nothing on the radio, and me not able to keep my mouth shut for very long in total silence, it was only a matter of time before I’d say something.  Out of nowhere, I asked my dad to teach me something, anything.   My dad knew I had started dating, so of course he brought up some very important things I needed to look for when it came time for marriage.

          Thinking to myself, “You just had to open your mouth Valerie!?”  But my dad knows how to make any topic interesting.  He told me the number one thing the guy needs is, to be nice.  Thinking to myself, “I already knew that!”  But my dad had to clarify with me that that was very important because that was how his first marriage, with my mother, ended (my mom was at fault).  He got my nod of approval, and I asked him to continue.  He even told me the importance that any guy who wanted to marry me needed to be clean and worthy.  Or in other words, cannot have any problems with pornography.  I was like, “Okay, dumb question, Why is that so-o important? Why does the church talk about that so much?”  What I thought would be a conversation that would end at the next gas station stop, lasted till we stopped for the night.

          The next day I thought a lot about our conversation and realized that my so called list of qualities I wanted in a future spouse had changed drastically.  Around that time of my life I was probably one of the most shallow girls you could ever meet.  What I’m trying to say is; I was mean, cocky, demanding, selfish, and vain, yet I got asked out all the time.  So I knew it wasn’t my charming personality that kept these guys around.   I didn’t feel the need to change my ways.  I had the whole mindset of, “If you don’t ask me out, it’s only a matter of time before your friends do!”

          At that time of my life I didn’t even want to get married; let alone have children.  I stopped caring about church and would go out dancing almost every night of the week, literally.  What most people don’t know is while I was living my selfish lifestyle, I started getting really depressed.  I didn’t know why, maybe because I was finding out that the ladder I was climbing was leaning against the wrong wall.  Over the next few months my health was getting worse, I tried to hide it but there is only so much one can do.  The pain was too much to handle, and no one believed I was sick. I knew I was going to die, and I would pray to get better.  I started feeling horrible for how I’d been living my life.  So I changed everything, just like that,  I made plans to give up my "lifestyle", turn in my high heels and 40 different shades of lip-gloss for some shoes that didn’t have a heel "AKA flats" oh my!, and pastel colored tops.  That’s right! I was making plans to serve a mission.  I talked with my family and they loved the idea, yet it was hard to believe that I was actually planning that;  I even got my grandpa to pay for my mission.
         I thought that if I did a 180* and turned my life around, God would forgive me.   I didn’t get very far when it came to sending my paper in.  In fact, I never did.  I was missing one important thing…I couldn’t pass the physical.  That ended up being the reason I never served a mission.  I was distraught, and heartbroken.  So I went to Plan B—go back to school.  It didn’t take long before I found out about Eastern Arizona College.  Got accepted, and picked out a full schedule of classes.  Once again my problem didn’t go away, I was still sick.  About a week later I got my MRI results and they were anything but good news.  

          I had a brain tumor!! To make a long story short,  I lost all my hair, stopped getting offers for dates, lost my friends, my memory, I was paralyzed and couldn’t walk, & the guy I was dating at that time wanted nothing to do with me, or so I thought?  Life was anything but what it used to be.  But, at the same time I learned a lot of things being stuck in that hospital room for a month.  In a way that whole experience will later help me in life, I’ve learned a lot about patience and how it is very important for me to marry someone with it.  I’ve decided I really want children, and lots of them.  I want a guy who knows that looks aren’t everything; and at the same I must admit I’ve learned that as well.  I want a husband who loves adventure as much as I do.   I want to see more of the world, and I need someone who can keep up with me.  I love to cook and know I can contribute that to a marriage and at the same time I wouldn’t mind if my future husband knows how to cook, so I can have a break every now and then.

          Since I wasn’t able to serve a mission at the time I wanted to I would really want a guy who would be open to serving one in the late future.   With that in mind I need someone who will want to study the scriptures with me and me a great father to our future family.  My only hope is that I can be a great mother and raise some great children.  I’m glad I had all those trials in my life; they turned me into the girl I am and hope to continue to be in this life.